mia's diary
am i broken? - 12/7/23
am i broken?
honestly, i can't tell and i'm not sure it matters. i'm not trying to depression post or anything like that. if anything, i feel like i am still riding a wave that has come from the self-work, self-reflection, and new relationship that i am part of. i feel, so, so happy. i have made so much progress in life in the last few months.
but i know something isn't quite right. i feel it in my bones. i can't stop catastrophizing EVERYTHING in my life. when i'm not with my boss, i feel like i have been a bad employee and wonder if he thinks i am doing a good job. when i'm not with my girlfriend, i wonder if it's passion for me is fading (despite the overwhelming and constant reassurance that this is not true)
when i'm not with my friends, i wonder if they care about me, the same way i care about them.
i know these thoughts are unreasonable. i have had reassurances all around that i am loved and valued and cherished in all aspects of my life.
but the thing is that i have had these reassurances before, in my marriage. i had reassurances up until the the divorce conversation happened. i still feel the abandonment so very strongly and i am carrying this fear with me in an unhealthy way and i'm not sure what to do :'(
i am afraid my mind is going to sabotage all of these good things in some fucked up attempt to protect itself. i am trying so hard to keep it from happening
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girlfriends <3 - 11/28/23
we're girlfriends
ASDLFKJSKDSKSKS;
i am overwhelmed by adoration. life feels like the most beautiful dream that i hope i never, ever wake up from. i feel it so deeply. deeper than i ever thought i could. i am lost in this mix of happy tears and emotional rivers that threaten to sweep away my sense of self. this feels so special. so dangerous. so beautiful. i feel as if i am for the first time experiencing the full amount of joy that life can bring.
last friday we had the most beautiful date night at my apartment. we played melee, ate pizza, watched anime, and watched spirit: stallion of the cimarron (lmaooo)
but mostly we talked and snuggled for hours. the time went by so, so fast. we talked about our lives and our traumas and our transitions and our goals and the way we experience love. it asked me if we could be girlfriends and i told her i loved her. we had both been trying so hard to hold those words in, but just couldn't anymore. i feel like saying "i love you" on a third date is unhinged behavior, but if i leave anything in this life to be remembered by, i hope it is the passion for which i loved others. this feels so real and so true and so special. i feel wrapped in an infinite warmth when we're together. when our skin touches, i shiver to my core.
it's not all just estrogen amplified feelings and flowery words either. i have concrete evidence to justify the feelings i am feeling. just as one example, we have been reading gene wolfe to each other each night over discord for voice training. it feels like the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me and the practice is helping me a ton in my day-to-day speaking voice. the time and care it has shown me feels so special and so individualized and so full of effort.
and it has been giving me hrt advice, which is super valuable knowledge coming from another trans woman. online resources are contradictory at times and it's so helpful to be close with someone who has firsthand experience. I have started progesterone, which is amazing, and will likely be switching to injections as well.
and she has been consistently there for me during an extremely lonely time in my life. it means so much that we are able to safely pour this affection onto each other. i have so much hope for our future together. i hope this never ends <3
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second date!!! - 11/20/23
ahhhhhhh!!!
i just have to write this down before the memory fades! my heart is overflowing for the girl i adore. we had our second date, which was an anime night at my new apartment to watch the ending of "serial experiments lain."
the show was... insane. an experience you could say XD
it's def going to require rewatching because i was both overwhelmed by the scene switching and v distracted because we were snuggling A:SLKJASDF.
we cuddled and talked for hours afterwards. it's actually crazy how much life experience we share, despite being very different people. it felt so much deeper than any second date i've had in my life. it's like we've known each other for the longest time and fate has finally guided our paths together!
i'm an absolute hopeless romantic and it is too and we're both leaning into it in the very best way <3
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i love trans girls - 11/16/23
and i think it's deeper than the common experiences we share. we all have this bond that comes from the universal trans experience, and that's not insignificant. we find so much joy in each other's stories and the views we share often align due to those experiences.
those things are wonderful, but i think there's something more. it takes a very specific kind of person to overcome the masculinity they were raised with and choose a life of softness instead. instead of accepting the ease and power of being masculine in our society, they take one of the hardest routes through life, in pursuit of the thing that is true to them. it's so attractive when a person who can separate themselves from their environment enough to do the mental introspection required to know themselves fully. to quote a friend, "the further someone has descended into gender deconstruction and operating outside of bioessentialism or gender roles, the more i adore them."
i find that the kind of women who go through transition are some of the sweetest, most emotionally intelligent, beautiful, and kind people alive. the struggle changes us and i love what we have built together. also they're super cute!
trans girls are truly the heart of the world <3
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there is a girl - 11/14/23
hiiii! welcome to my first blog post!
i'm not sure anybody is ever going to read this, so i'm kinda just going to treat it like a personal diary. maybe when i look back at it in 10 years i'll mega cringe at myself, or maybe not? who can tell!!
lots going on lately. the first is that i'm finally out of the house and into my own apartment! living alone after the divorce feels amazing and i feel like i'm relearning what i like and how to be a person again. it's such a beautiful time in my life, but i feel so fragile. like the slightest wind could cause me to spiral. but i won't. i have always been strong and i will be strong still.
i also met a girl and i think i am falling in love. i am more afraid of this than anything before in my life <3
